Christ! What is it with middle England and its obsession with frikkin' bin collections? I mean, for f***'s sake! I despair. I genuinely despair. Their favourite storm in a tea cup used to be about how often their bins were collected; now it's how big their bins are! Arrrrghhh!!!
If most of the world's scientists are to be believed, we're heading towards an environmental apocalypse. We need to consume much less and recycle much more. We need to limit the impact - or 'footprint' - we leave on this once green and pleasant planet. It means making a few sacrifices. Changing our way of life. Not shitting on our own doorsteps, so to speak.
But all some people seem to care about is whether of not they can continue to fill their goddamn wheelie bins at the frightening rate they currently do. They don't give a flying piss whether the world is consumed by the by-products of their relentless materialism and gluttony. I wish I had the world's biggest steel toe-capped boot with which to kick their flabby, complacent, porcine backsides into orbit. (Second thoughts, such a gargantuan orbiting arse might block out the sun and destroy the Earth, thus rendering my punishment counter-productive.)
Listen up up bin-loving chumps: if you care about your children and grandchildren, you have to change! Now! Recycling isn't rocket science. You won't need to have a large bin, or regular collections, if you lift one of your bone-idle fingers and get involved.
If I was in charge (which fortunately I'm not, because I am genuinely unhinged), I would punish everyone who didn't recycle by having the contents of their wheelie bin tipped onto them from a great height - and then the bin too, with a Austin Metro nailed to it.
The small-minded terror these people feel when any sort of change is suggested -- however beneficial it may be to society, the country, the planet -- is remarkable. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that this constituency of cretins seems to hold the balance of power in the UK.
The Government should take the bins off these wretches for a few weeks and make them live in the mountains of crap they produce for a while. That would learn 'em. They'd be begging for their brown bins back then, and weeping with joy if a black one was returned, even if it was the size of a snail's sandwich box.
Even if global warming is a myth (which it isn't), why do some people think it's okay to create masses of waste that just gets buried in the ground to remain for centuries to come? What sort of a philosophy is that? A rubbish one, that's what! (See what I did there? Great payoff.)
Professor of Poetry
3 days ago